Be still

This week, some of my close friends had a “surprise” (I knew about it) going-away dinner for me. We went to an authentic Latin American restaurant and then walked around the streets of Minneapolis. It was a fantastic evening, and I appreciated it. At the end of the night, I was struck with an odd conclusion. My friends are wonderful people, and I cherish them so much, but I know I’m equipped to be without them in Spain. Of course, I will have my moments of missing them; that’s inevitable. But it’s my time to leave. I know the best thing for me right now is to get away and have the Lord work on my heart and growth in Spain so that when I return, I can be an even better peer and friend to my betters. Going back to campus just isn’t right at this particular time. God’s perfect timing says it’s time for me to leave.  

            He is sovereign, and I can be still in that truth.

            Honestly though, this afternoon I was feeling a small uneasiness about Spain. I realize this is only a natural reaction to an upcoming study abroad, but it’s been a rarity for me lately. I was with a friend browsing through an adorable little hipster shop, and I stopped when I saw a few pendants laid out that had different maps inside them. I pointed them out to my friend, examined them as a whole briefly, then at random picked one up without even looking at it.
          The pendant was a map of Spain and Portugal.
          The uneasiness melted away. I clasped the pendant tightly in my palm and nodded silently at the Lord’s sovereignty. Such a small moment in my day, but what a reminder?

            Those moments aren’t by accident. God was active in that second with the pendant, and truly, He is present in every single situation on earth: big or small.

            I’m trying to pack. My suitcase is way too small for all that I want to bring. In even an unimportant matter like this, God is wildly present. I know I don’t have to worry because He is sovereign over everything.

His guiding hand is like the wind or breath, weaving through every single gigantic and trivial moment under the sun. There is nothing out of His control: not time, packing difficulties, conversations, traveling, sickness, nor wars. There is a peace that substantiates in all the turmoil and chaos. There is a stillness where we can know that He is God, and He will be exalted in the earth and in the Heavens. He is not afraid of the minor dilemmas or the seemingly evil in this world. For He, all that is good and perfect, will be lifted up and exalted. There is nothing truer than that truth.

            He is indeed sovereign; we just need to be still. 

            Psalm 46

Excitement, stress, and preparation

            I have a confession to make: I got scared. We received our host families and living arrangements for Spain last week, and I assumed that this would be the point where my excitement would triple over in heaps of uncontainable anticipation. Instead, a wave of fear crashed over me at the thought of living with complete strangers in an unfamiliar country with another language.

            But the fear only lasted a moment.

            In my moment of weakness, I let the fear fill me up until I fell apart, then it vanished instantly afterwards. That was it. It hasn’t come back.
           But the excitement has indeed tripled.

            I have a clearer picture of what my life in the next few months will look like now. I will live right on the river and right above the restaurant that my host family owns. Every day I will wake up and walk or bike 2.5 miles to school, passing cathedrals, parks, brightly colored buildings, and palm trees along the way. With 25 days left before departure, the excitement is so evident in my demeanor. I try to mask it (I don’t want to seem too overjoyed in front of the people that I’m leaving), but I just can’t. I dance. I squeal. I freak out. My nanny kid laughs at me. My parents stare weirdly at me. My friends eye me enviously. Who cares? I am so excited!

            In a way, I think the Lord has over-prepared my heart. For Spain, I have nothing but excitement and peace; I’m ready to go. For these next 25 days? Stress and weariness. I’ll have my bursts of deranged excitement, but then the current petty vexations of my daily life cloud my vision. There are too many preparations. There are too many people I have to see. There are just too many days to wait.

            How odd though. There’s an uneasiness and overwhelmed state of mind about the period of familiarity and comfort and not about the avalanche of the unknown and adventure.

            Basically, I just can’t wait, and I’m stressed about waiting.

            Maybe that will change, and the fear will roar inside me again and not leave this time. Maybe I’ll start to cling onto this familiar life so tightly that I’ll be terrified about leaving. Maybe I’ll have to cancel the flight and cancel the trip because my anxiety will be too severe.

            Probably not though.

            I’ll keep updates coming just in case.