I have a confession to make: I got scared. We received our host families and living arrangements for Spain last week, and I assumed that this would be the point where my excitement would triple over in heaps of uncontainable anticipation. Instead, a wave of fear crashed over me at the thought of living with complete strangers in an unfamiliar country with another language.
But the fear only lasted a moment.
In my moment of weakness, I let the fear fill me up until I fell apart, then it vanished instantly afterwards. That was it. It hasn’t come back.
But the excitement has indeed tripled.
But the excitement has indeed tripled.
I have a clearer picture of what my life in the next few months will look like now. I will live right on the river and right above the restaurant that my host family owns. Every day I will wake up and walk or bike 2.5 miles to school, passing cathedrals, parks, brightly colored buildings, and palm trees along the way. With 25 days left before departure, the excitement is so evident in my demeanor. I try to mask it (I don’t want to seem too overjoyed in front of the people that I’m leaving), but I just can’t. I dance. I squeal. I freak out. My nanny kid laughs at me. My parents stare weirdly at me. My friends eye me enviously. Who cares? I am so excited!
In a way, I think the Lord has over-prepared my heart. For Spain, I have nothing but excitement and peace; I’m ready to go. For these next 25 days? Stress and weariness. I’ll have my bursts of deranged excitement, but then the current petty vexations of my daily life cloud my vision. There are too many preparations. There are too many people I have to see. There are just too many days to wait.
How odd though. There’s an uneasiness and overwhelmed state of mind about the period of familiarity and comfort and not about the avalanche of the unknown and adventure.
Basically, I just can’t wait, and I’m stressed about waiting.
Maybe that will change, and the fear will roar inside me again and not leave this time. Maybe I’ll start to cling onto this familiar life so tightly that I’ll be terrified about leaving. Maybe I’ll have to cancel the flight and cancel the trip because my anxiety will be too severe.
Probably not though.
I’ll keep updates coming just in case.
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